Lost and Found

What the ending of a relationship taught me about emotions, growth and coming back to myself.

The past year of life has been a bit of a reset. 

My relationship of around 2.5 years came to an end. I moved temporarily back in with my parents before then moving into my own place a few months later.

There’s no denying it, break-up can be a real bitch. For me it’s often felt like the painful untethering of a deep bond alongside an uncomfortable confrontation with some of my deepest fears and wounds.

It’s really not all fun and games. But, it’s one hell of a teacher.

You can’t run from your emotions.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the past year, it’s that no matter what you do, eventually you always come back to yourself.

I’ve tried multiple flavours of distraction and avoidance, some cleaner and more effective than others. I’ve travelled, gone out with friends, thrown myself into work, dated, used social media too much, hit the gym — you name it.

And in doing so I’ve realised this: I can keep running, booking new trips, trying new experiences, meeting new people. But the emotions I avoid remain there, dormant, waiting to be attended to.

Amid the distraction, I made a conscious decision that I wanted to do things differently. To allow myself to actually go into my emotional experience — to drop into my body instead of always staying up in my head - processing everything intellectually or reaching for the next distraction.

For me, that’s looked like journaling, breathwork and, maybe most significantly, just being with whatever emotions come up. Not always trying to understand them or make them go away. Sometimes just sitting there and allowing myself to feel sad, lonely or whatever else is there.

I’ve come to appreciate there’s a balance to all of this. If all I did was solemnly sit at home ruminating over the past, I’d have had a really tough time moving forward. Life is there to be lived too.

But, there’s a difference between living your life and constantly filling it so that you never have to be alone with yourself. Learning where that line is has been an ongoing challenge.

It starts with you.

To quote someone I continue to learn a lot from, Peter Crone: “Life will present you with the people and circumstances to reveal where you’re not free”.

I think it’s safe to say that nothing has revealed that to me as powerfully as the ending of a romantic relationship.

Initially there was a lot of internal questioning. I reflected on who I showed up as within the relationship and the ways in which I contributed to it coming to an end.

But, beyond just that, I questioned what had caused me to show up the way I did in the first place. What was I afraid of? What was I looking for? What beliefs about myself had I carried into the relationship without even really knowing?

There’s been a few events over the past year that have brought some of those same fears and insecurities back to the surface. As difficult as they can be to be with, I’ve started to see these moments as opportunities to understand myself a little better - to notice what hurts, what I’m afraid of, and what they might reveal about me.

As difficult as it can be to recognise in the moment, life is continually serving up experiences we can learn from.

Whether or not we see them that way often depends on our willingness to look inward, take responsibility for our part, and stay curious about what the experience might be revealing to us.

Getting comfortable with discomfort.

There have been plenty of days where I’ve got home from work and just wanted to share my day with someone who understands me, knows me, sees me fully. And in those moments, I’d be lying if I said I haven’t been tempted to go back to what’s familiar. To avoid the discomfort and loneliness that can come with being on your own.

But this chapter of my life has revealed to me how two seemingly contradictory truths can exist at once: I can deeply love someone and miss their presence in my life, yet still recognise that going back isn’t necessarily the right thing.

Sometimes what’s familiar isn’t the same as what’s right for you.

I think one of the harder lessons has been learning not to immediately escape the discomfort that follows from that choice.

The more I’ve allowed loneliness, uncertainty or sadness to be there without immediately trying to fix them, the less threatening they’ve started to feel. Not because they’ve disappeared, but because I’ve become more confident in my ability to sit with them.

Maybe that’s part of what resilience actually is: not being unaffected by difficult emotions, but slowly building the capacity to experience them without letting them dictate what you do next.

Lost and Found

Over the last 12 or so months I’ve had days of sadness, where I was resisting the flow of life and projecting fear into the future. And I’ve had days where I’ve felt full of gratitude, connected to others, and as though I’m re-learning who I am outside of a relationship. 

And somewhere amongst all of that, I’ve started to notice what this chapter of life has given me. Where there are things to be lost, there are also things to be found.

I’ve travelled solo, learning more about who I am in new and unfamiliar scenarios. I’ve reflected on where I can be more honest with myself. I’ve deepened my connection with several of my friends. And I’ve started a breathwork course that feels aligned with the direction I feel my life going. 

All of these things were available when I was in the relationship of course, but the break-up was the catalyst for me to go and fully explore them.

Over a year later and I’m still learning. To not desperately try to fill the space through mindless distraction. To surrender to the unpredictable and uncertain nature of life itself. To make choices based on what feels true, not just comfortable. And to allow myself to really feel all that it is to be human - even when it’s uncomfortable.